Tag Archives: inspiration

be brave enough to show up.

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As I breathe the life back into myself, after this long period of grief, I have been faced with challenging questions surrounding life and its meaning. Where do I find purpose? What brings joy into my life and how will I notice when something meaningful is staring me in the eyes.

Will I be brave enough to show up? Sometimes showing up is half the battle, and how I navigate day to day challenges can be the difference between whether or not I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. Bravery, the act of courageousness it takes to show up as you are and accept all the bumps and flaws in the road on the way, does not mean you have no fear, it’s feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

My fears have occasionally gotten the best of me, dulling the sparkling shining parts of myself that only emerge when I have the courage to be disliked, to acknowledge that not everyone will share my perspective or agree, or even understand the things I have to say. But what’s worse is the alternative, never revealing my authentic self, hiding the best parts away wondering why I feel unseen and unheard before realizing, “Oh. I’m supposed to let people in if I want them to get to know me?” Duh. But don’t beat yourself up if you’ve made similar mistakes.

Hiding away can seem like a shield, an act of protection, but the only thing you are guarding yourself from is true connection. And without connection what really is there? I don’t mean you need a significant other or a large friend group, but this connection can be with yourself, the hobbies you love, the great outdoors, or with something else, anything really.

So, my challenge for you, and myself as well, is to be brave enough to show up, as yourself. Though always evolving we are living right here, right now, each moment a powerful new opportunity to connect.

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are you who you want to be?

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The act of creation, the divine process, a form of alchemy, requires not only the contemplation of strategy and logic, but first an foremost requires action. Nothing will be created without it: the momentum of putting one foot ahead of another, sometimes stumbling, taking a step back or getting so clumsy you trip over your own feet. But getting back up, that is the most important lesson. It’s okay to fall. Just keep going.

I’ve asked myself many times, “are you who you want to be?” Self-acceptance is also necessary, it’s true, but moving forward and creating yourself as though molding a piece of clay, forever sculpting, designing the destiny you chose, well, that’s beautiful. Part of creating a life you want to live includes destruction. Destroying bad habits, old patterns, toxic cycles, shedding the comfort they wrap you up in like a snakeskin.

Are you who you want to be?

I feel like taking action is also a process, a habit that you practice, a muscle that gets stronger, that each time you learn how to get back up again and take those steps forward, becomes an easier task, less of a chore and more of an adventure. Action keeps you from waiting for something that will never arrive, it reminds you that the path you take is in your hands, should you choose to embrace your power.

So stop waiting, wishing, wanting, longing, and look at yourself in the mirror. You can do this. You can fucking do this babe, don’t doubt yourself for a second because the world needs people who have come alive, who are willing to fight for themselves and their dreams. Chase your passions, ignore the negativity that seeps in from both external and internal sources. That voice in your head that can be so cruel, echoing the words once so recklessly and carelessly uttered by those who perhaps never deserved your time or attention. Don’t give that voice power, not even a glace back over your shoulder or a second thought again. Don’t let it stop you from putting yourself first, from taking care of the amazing divine being that you already are.

And if the answer is “no” to that question, maybe it’s “not yet” and now is your chance, your time, to take action.


“cold water” ambient poem

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sometimes you need to jump into the ocean
like nothing else matters
but yearning to feel the cold water on your skin
a shock to the system
you feel alive again
remember who you are
and all the parts you have yet to become
all the parts you have yet to discover
that awaken your hibernating your hibernating spirit
like (Blooming After a Cold Dark Night)
with no regrets
and without fear
or hesitation
held together by
only the sparkling edge of the sea
the sun in the sky
fog in the air
finally clearing



train ride to new york asmr + “ur so real” slowed remix

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I recently took a trip to New York via Amtrak train and documented the adventure. The slowed remix of my song “UR So Real” featured in this video is available for download at: https://luximusic.bandcamp.com/track/ur-so-real-slowed-remix
~L

~ NYC Art Journal ~

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The following are excerpts from the art journal I kept while visiting New York for a week.

My temporary studio

The mediums I brought with were watercolors, oil pastels, and water-soluble wax pastels, as well as various pens and pencils. I also had a blank moleskin journal where my overall goal was to just fill up as many of the pages as possible and let myself experiment with different approaches. // I started with some background washes on a handful of pages, in case while wandering around the city I was struck with inspiration and wanted to add a drawing. // My process evolved into continually adding layers, sometimes going back to different pages to add something new. // Overall, it was a fun experiment and there were some concepts that emerged I would like to explore further, I hope you enjoy this glimpse into my process. ~L

“Lavender lattes”
poured over a soft fabric
reminding me of a warmer day
when not uncovered
in vulnerability, sometimes an
unwelcome visitor, who stays
for too long on your couch
leaving your cupboards bare
upon their exit

“Sparkling stars and the cityscape”
give me a journey
unlike the guilty rays of sunshine
soaked up by my skin
on a rooftop beach
my brick-and-mortar bones
raw and unfolding

The film replays

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I am currently on my journey back to the Midwest on the Lakeshore Limited Amtrak train, and have found myself blessed with a much better view this time around. The sun set over the Hudson River as the world whisked by, I held Charlie’s tag while finally shedding my first tears of the day, having somehow held them inside until I had made it to my sleeper car. This trip was heavy. I wasn’t sure how I would feel at the ending, if I would want to stay longer or if I would be ready to return to Milwaukee, and it has turned out to be a mixture of the two.

The veterinarian (or the angel of death as I’ve been referring to him), let me know his ashes would be ready the day I return coincidentally, synchronistically, like how the morning of his death I opened the cupboard to find it bare; after watching a monarch butterfly land on a freshly planted tree. Though I’m eager to have his remains back where they belong, I am not necessarily looking forward to being alone in that place again, the place that once felt like home but no longer truly does. I hope over time my heart will recognize it as a place of comfort.

During the past week, there were difficult moments, mostly when the quiet stillness seeped in, causing my mind to replay his final moments like a film I couldn’t stop in my mind, which is when I would turn on videos or music to fill my brain instead. I have been finding podcasts about grief helpful, and especially the ones where they acknowledge losing an animal companion can be just as painful as losing a close friend or family member. Our relationship was pure, no arguments, ultimately forgiving, and unconditionally loving. My darkest thoughts have included that I will never be unconditionally loved again and I try to brush those aside.

However, what was great about New York is that it’s the perfect place to stay busy and distracted, and unlike back home, I would get out every day to explore, walking mindlessly around Brooklyn admiring the graffiti art and shops. This trip was good for me, empowering, and it showed me there is a future and fulfilling life beyond what I have lost. I want to bring my sense of adventure back with me, and not only explore my own neighborhood more frequently, but also my inner universe, where the rivers run deep in my veins and stars appear beneath my eyelids, questioning why the films that play in my head repeat the way they do and what makes my heart sing. What makes me feel whole. I used to tell Charlie “it’s just you and me buddy” like it was us against the world, but now it’s just me. Though he has taught me so much about who I am and who I want to be, where I want to go.

The art of perseverance

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While exploring the city today I stopped at a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant for a bite to eat and to add a quick sketch to my travel journal. I wasn’t overly impressed with the results, but the process is what matters the most to me. There was a young boy who couldn’t have been older than 7 years old hanging out at the patio as well while his mom was working. He was drawing at the table across from me and I was endeared by the shared interest.

After a while, the boy suddenly shot up and crumpled his paper, grumbling to himself. He ripped it up aggressively and threw the remnants on the ground, stomping on them and his marker in a dramatic matter that made me wonder if I should tell him not to give up. After his initial drawing was thoroughly destroyed, he got up and for a moment I thought he was done with art indefinitely.

Until he returned with more paper. This kid drew and destroyed several more sketches, each time ripping them up to stomp on in the same exasperated fashion. Wow, I felt that. What struck me about this action wasn’t that he was destroying his art, it’s that he kept getting up for more paper to keep trying. It was a beautiful reminder, you can hate your art, destroy it if you want, but keep turning more pages to try again.

Misadventures in NYC

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Upon my arrival to NYC I was struck by the total chaos and confusion (and excitement) of downtown Manhattan. It was surreal, I couldn’t believe I was there. After pacing back and forth between signs and subway platforms to be sure I was heading in the correct direction, while also trying to appear confident and like I knew what I was doing, I finally arrived at my Airbnb.

The lockbox, empty, and the host, seemingly unbothered until he appeared from upstairs pale as a ghost. Oh no. The loft apartment had been vandalized the night before and he had been frantically repainting and trying to clean the damage. Why was I just then hearing about it? Who knows. I wish I would’ve gotten pictures of the insanity, but the moment was rushed and I was operating on little to no sleep.

Lately I’ve been working on being more “go with the flow” and he assured me I would have a safe space to sleep that night and there was a discount coming my way, so I hung out on the rooftop for a handful of hours. A couple mini panic attacks and one bag of popcorn later, the flat was live-able and I was in Brooklyn baby.

It took about two full days to get comfortable and used to the quirks of my new surroundings, exploring the nearby area‘s cafés and shops, I had already thrifted some amazing used vinyl and clothes. The grief of my recent loss comes and goes but always lingers just under the surface. Crying on the rooftop of an artist’s loft in NYC was not a bad place to be, though I would much rather my dog still be alive, only healthy and young of course.

My plan today was to distract myself and explore a little further into Williamsburg. It was a beautiful day, with perfect thrift finds and my one fancy meal of oysters and absinthe crème brûlée in the most beautiful patio garden. I don’t mind eating at restaurants alone, especially restaurants like that.

Afterwards I went to see the cityscape at the riverfront, there is something so magical about it. While heading back to my temporary home, I stopped at a Rite Aid to pick up nail polish remover and a Topo-Chico. Then I spotted it, a little Lamb Chop toy, only with the ears still on. Charlie loved to rip the ears and other parts from his toys. I couldn’t help but touch the fur. I got out of there as fast as I could.

Part of me felt guilty, how could I let myself have a good day? The betrayal. But Charlie was happy when I was happy. The pain of his absence and joy of my experiences exist simultaneously. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m going to be okay, and my emotions are valid. I love and miss him every day. Maybe Lamb Chop was a sign that he’s still here with me, always inside my heart.

Goodbye to My Adventure Buddy

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In memory of Charlie (12.5.2006 to 8.31.2022)

For the past 15 years my beloved dog Charlie had been at my side, ready to take on the world with me and whatever adventure I could think of, he traveled exceptionally well in the car, and we drove all over the country. He was just happy being with me. During all of our adventures and camping trips, touring my music, exploring new places, Charlie was there for me through thick and thin. It was with great distress that I had to make the decision two weeks ago to say goodbye to my best friend and let him pass as peacefully as possible. I’m still heartbroken every day, there is nothing like the unconditional love and companionship of a dog.
We understood each other telepathically, I anticipated his every basic need and did the best I could showing him love and care. I was 19 years old when I got Charlie and my life was never the same. This year despite Charlie’s elderly state we went on three different local cabin adventures, then to my dismay I had to cancel our last trip to NYC, due to his ailments finally catching up to us. After spending the past two weeks in my home, getting used to the silence, moving things around, desperately trying to save and hold on to every last memory of Charlie, I’ve felt the need to escape. Go someplace new, do the thing we used to love doing together, travel. So, I found a couple cheap cross country train tickets and plan on leaving after one more show for 10 days, I hope to be able to clear my mind, gain some perspective, and get inspired to create new art. I love and miss Charlie every day ❤ ~L

Sweet Solitude::: How to Embrace it

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20140223-135432.jpgSometimes we find ourselves in an unexpected place, a gap almost between where we were and where we are going, thus giving us plentiful time spent alone to do what we wish with.  The initial urge may be to panic, but this automatic thinking which can be quite negative and hold us back from what we truly want to be doing.  If you moved to a new town or city you may know exactly the feeling, or perhaps you’ve graduated college and everyone seems to be going their separate ways.  Don’t fret, this is actually a beautifully magical time in life where all opportunities are open to you. This is the perfect time for your creative work to blossom, that start up to unfold, those merely abstract ideas to become concrete.

  • Use time alone to create.

Finding your creative self is a process, and it takes hours and hours of real work and effort and often times these hours are spent diligently working in the solitude of our own homes.  Any creative person will probably tell you that their most influential work was created while buried in the depths of their own minds.

  • This doesn’t mean to become a hermit.

It’s important to step outside of one’s comfort zone every once in a while.  Don’t become so comfortable in solitude that you don’t feel the need to socialize or get out of the house every once in a while.  Solitude is great for the content producing portion of your creative endeavors, but go out and talk about the work that you’re doing every once in a while so people still know you exist. ; )

  • Retreat inward.

Being comfortable with being alone is important to your well being.  Use solitude as a tool and you will become your own best friend and truly understand yourself.  Take time to journal, meditate, exercise (I like yoga and jogging), take care of your surroundings and fuel yourself with the best foods, some of the healthiest foods and ways to cook can also be the cheapest.  Having solitude is a great time to experience peacefulness through reading or other joys, and start doing and learning more about things you are passionate about.

  • Greet the world again with a new mindset.

After you have spent plentiful time to yourself embracing all that solitude has to offer, you will probably start meeting new people again eventually whatever your situation.  This gives you the perfect opportunity to greet the world with a new mindset and new approach to living life with a more informed point of view and developed sense of self, and that is definitely something to celebrate!